Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. However, unlike Alexander from the children's book I'm stealing the phrase from, nothing really went wrong.
In fact, everything was fine.
Except in my head. In my head, things were a freaking disaster.
(And by the way, for those of you with competitive and high achieving natures, don't look at Gwyneth Paltrow's Instagram account when you are feeling confused about your next steps. It's the portal to misery.)
In fact, when you are feeling confused about your next steps – close the computer, turn off the phone and do not, I repeat, DO NOT go on social media.
Because on social media – everyone is super successful, they have very well behaved and perfectly clean children, their coaching business is earning $20,000+ a month (while they work part time!!), they have perfect lives filled with happiness and joy and free time to take vacations on the beach and take pictures of their feet and post them on Facebook.
My reality is different.
I gained back 5 of the 17lbs I recently lost.
There are mice in my kitchen.
I yelled at my kids two mornings in a row (probably more).
They yelled back at me and gave me the stink eye.
I have more dirty clothes than clean clothes.
My children's room looks like a hurricane hit it.
So does my room.
There is toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror that has been there for three days.
The girl's summer camp costs almost as much as going to DisneyWorld twice in one year – which is why we haven't gone to DisneyWorld at all.
And when I shared an idea with one of my entrepreneur sisters about a coaching program I was thinking of offering; she suggested I check out a well known coach's site, as she did something similar.
I did and there she was, looking perfectly perfect standing with Oprah.
So yesterday I took two (yes two) 2 hour naps. And I cried. A lot.
We all have days like this but we never talk about them, do we?
I'm here to tell you that I teach the power of gratitude. I teach about slowing down and Being more than Doing. I teach following joy rather than following money.
I'm here to tell you I got sucked down the rabbit hole of comparison and not-enoughism and I kicked my own ass for an entire day.
I felt like shit for no real reason other than I was comparing my real life to illusions.
I was in my mind and my mind was telling me all the things I SHOULD be doing to achieve these “illusions”. My mind was comparing my inner world to other's outer world.
Even though I knew all that it STILL overwhelmed me. It exhausted me. Freaked me the F*&k out.
And then my Soul said STOP.
My Soul said to me:
This is the time for silence and learning to listen. You need to hear. You cannot hear from this constant state of doing. Your impulse to DO is driven your material desires and the illusion of lack.
Wow. My impulse to do is driven by my material desires and the illusion that I lack. Ya know, the Soul doesn't mince words. The Soul doesn't pussyfoot around. The Soul tells it like it is.
I stepped out of doing for the sake of creativity and joy. I became results oriented. Goal oriented. (That is how my mind operates and it is effort to change that pattern even though I'm aware of it.)
And when I was focused on results, it became very easy for me to compare my results (or lack thereof) with others. My achievements compared to others. My successes. My life. It is a rabbit hole because I've got that over-achieving-not good-enough-until-I'm-Oprah problem.
And this problem is draining. It drains me of faith and inspiration. It tries to convince me I'm not good enough and gets my mind to generate all these thoughts that both create the problem and attempt to solve the problem.
So I get caught up in the swirl of thoughts and I do not lean on my Soul.
I forget that inspiration for my next step always stems from silence. From receiving rather than trying to force doors open.
I talk about this and teach this a lot because it is a lesson that I myself work on every single day.
Clarity comes from silence. From relaxing and receiving.
The biggest irony of my life is that I'm a yoga and spiritual teacher who has a really hard time relaxing.
And giving herself a break.
So silence for me is key. Softening into what is, especially when I find myself envious of what isn't.
And, i'm told, taking a nap is a good thing. I'm going to do that more.